A Frat Boy Trapped in a Thirtysomething Mom's Body

The other night I was on Twitter, having a conversation with some girlfriends. Whoever follows me on Twitter, well, they probably think I'm mental. Because I won't go on Twitter for DAYS. Then, one night, I'll have like 50 tweets about random, random stuff.

Anyhow, the other night, the conversation somehow got to drinking (imagine). And I brought up beer bongs. And luges (I had to explain this one...you carve a 'luge' in a block of ice, then pour shots down the luge into a waiting mouth). And keg stands.

Then I made the suggestion that my friends make a beer bong and let their kids do hits off of it with root beer, then have a burping contest.

And with that, I nominate myself for the trashy parent of the year award.

Reading all my drinking suggestions would probably lead you to believe I was (or am) some kind of crazy partier. But I wasn't. For reals. The height of my partying was for about one year in college (okay, maybe two). The rest of the time, I was working 40 hours a week while taking 15-18 credits per quarter. Not a lot of time for fun. Or hangovers.

Still, I seem to have a wealth of information on drinking games/stupid methods of getting obliterated. Let's just say I'm observant. Maybe it's where I'm from. There wasn't a lot to do out in Podunk, WA except drink, go four-wheelin', and get knocked up. None of which I actually DID in high school. Cause I was SO SO SO boring. Not that getting knocked up is a good way to be interesting. Let's just say I wasn't even doing the things to get knocked up.

So, just in case you were following me on Twitter that night, I'm not a raging alcoholic, and I promise not to train my child on the beer bong. I'll wait till he's at least 12.

A Time Where Something Sucking is a Good Thing

A couple of weeks ago I was vacuuming and noticed the little red light come on, the one letting me know that the bag is full.

I was out of bags.

Of course.

Then I got to thinking...I have never owned a NEW vacuum cleaner. Like, ever. Every single one has been a hand me down. And I'm not complaining, not even a little, because this girl loves hand me downs. Big time.

But I had been noticing I vacuum and vacuum and vacuum and there is ALWAYS still dog hair in the carpet. Nasty.

I decided instead of buying new vacuum bags, well, I was just going to buy a new vacuum. Always logical, this one.

After doing quite a lot of research (okay, I sorted by highest stars on Amazon), I settled on a Bissell Pet Hair Eraser.

Promising.

I ordered it up and waited (only two days, love that Amazon Prime!).

And it arrived a few days ago.

You know when the vacuum box has a picture of your pet, you've got a big shedder.

Vacuum Box

Carl - and honestly, I'm kind of pissed at him for holding out on the proceeds from that modeling job.

I know you're just dying to know how well the vacuum worked. (Okay, maybe not. But I'm still going to tell you.)

Ohmycrikey, DID IT WORK.

And? GROSS.

I got this much, out of an 8 x 10 area of carpet. Twice.

Barf.

By the way, this post was not sponsored in any way, shape or form by Bissell, but if they want to pass on Carl's commission check, that'd be fab.

This vacuum? It totally sucks.

Dear Nick Junior nee Noggin

Does anybody out there watch Jack's Big Music Show? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? *crickets*

Well, my son is OBSESSED with Jack, his dog, Mel and his 'super swell friend', Mary. Or, as he says, JACKMELMARYANDMEL! Most of his words and phrases seem to stem from this lovely little show on Nick Jr. (formerly Noggin). We only let him watch it once, maybe twice a day (on THOSE days). But there are only about 25 episodes total, so he's seen them all multiple times.

The show was canceled a few years back - I seriously don't know why they don't bring it back. In my opinion, it's probably one of the most innovative and educational shows (as far as music goes) out there for toddlers. Bonus - it's parent friendly. I honestly don't mind it at all. And that's saying a lot.

Jack's Big Music Show is basically a puppet show, focused on music (duh) - with a couple of kid friendly music videos thrown in, and sometimes a guest. Jon Stewart did an episode. And Lisa Loeb has been on it too (oh 1995, how I miss thee!).

Yeah, it's cool. I'll admit it. I kind of love it.

Except for these musical guests. I find them, well, disturbing.



I did a little research and found out this group is called The Trachtenburg Family Slide Show Players (and yes, they are a family - dad, mom and daughter) and they're from Seattle OF COURSE THEY ARE . While they have an interesting thing going - the slides they show are randoms they pick up at garage and estate sales and flea markets - I TOTALLY CANNOT GET OVER THAT GUY'S MUSTACHE. There I said it. I'm shallow. Get over it.

ANYhow.

What I really want to know is why Jack's Big Music Show was canceled? Can someone please get their shiz together and bring it back?

Cause if my alternatives are The Upside Down Show and Wow Wow Wubzy and Lazytown (okay, maybe Sportacus is kind of hot if you can get past the pencil thin mustache...yes, I have mustache issues) I might need to pop someone in the nose.

Tales from the Hometown

I feel like I haven't been here forever. I have opened up my Blogger account multiple times, stared at the computer, and then closed down wistfully.

Not that I haven't been busy. I have. Mostly mundane, everyday stuff. But also, I had some fun. Like this weekend, for instance.

My brother, his girlfriend (H) and her son are visiting. This weekend, we all headed up to the parents house - some highlights:

* Friday night I accompanied my bro and H to dinner with his friends. At Olive Garden (A side note? I don't think I've ever consumed that much salt in one sitting, ever). Dinner conversation included stories of people pooping themselves. Funny. Even funnier? All recent stories and all said boys men are 28. But I laughed till I cried. I think the margarita helped.

* Later that night I was lectured by one of the guys about how unfair it is that hot chicks are immediately judged as bitches by normal women - like me. He was so fired up about it, I swear he had TEARS in his eyes. Ouch. I'll take it with a grain of salt as he arrived on the back of a SCOOTER, not even a motorcycle, all Dumb & Dumber style.

* Saturday morning I went for a run - my weekly long run for Team in Training. My parents live out in the country - I was SO looking forward to fresh air. I didn't take into account that THEY LIVE IN THE COUNTRY, so I instead enjoyed the stench of freshly sprayed manure. Oh shit, indeed.

* Before said run, I nearly had a nervous breakdown because my GPS watch battery was dead (it turned on in my bag and drained), and I had no charger. I didn't realize I was so dependent on that thing, but I was pretty much rendered helpless. How can I run if I don't have a timer, know my distance, and my speed? Breathe. Breathe. Then I remembered my brother had his iPhone, and there was, thank goodness, an APP FOR THAT. I wrestled the phone out of his hands and took off.

* I ran 6.5 miles. I completely misjudged my distance and by the time I hit the 6 mile marker I was AT LEAST two miles from home. I considered cutting through a field and the woods, but then I remembered where I was, that people have guns, and that I'd probably either sprain my ankle in the field or run into barbed wire or get attacked by a rabid raccoon in the woods. So I called for a bailout. Again, good thing I stole my brother's phone.

* H needed to return some stuff to Old Navy. Upon walking into the oh-so-flattering fluorescent light of the local mall, my darling little bro says ' WHOA! When did you get so gray?' I bought two new scarves and some cardis to make myself feel better. It worked.

* We got pedicures. When I say we, I'm including my brother. I think he *might* have enjoyed it the most considering he nearly fell asleep during the foot/leg massage. P.S. My pedicure is purple for Team in Training (GO TEAM! Even my toenails are on board!).

* Later, on Saturday night, I took H to my girlfriend Rachel's for Rachel's birthday party, an all ladies affair which she entitled 'The Real Housewives of Whatcom County". There was lots of booze, lots of food, and the best part? A Tarot card reader. Oh yes. She was amazing - doesn't do scary readings - tends to make whatever you draw, even death, a potentially positive thing (such as, death can mean you will have your first baby, which is 'death' to your childless self). I won't go too much into it, but my birth and year cards are Emperor/Emperor, which basically means I am bossy and in charge. And I am a 'leader'. And my card for the year is the Hermit, which could mean this should be an introspective year for me. I should write a lot. INTERESTING.

* At the party, I got to catch up with so many friends, some of whom I haven't seen in almost 10 years. Loved it.

* When I told my mom we did Tarot her eyes got really big and I assured her that I wasn't worshipping the Devil or even worse, considering becoming Mormon. (Bless her, she is so cute).

That's what I've been up to, at least some of it...still trying to fit in all my running and desperately clinging onto my sanity (it's a slippery little sucker).

Does This Make Me a Cougar?

I'm not even sure I want to admit this in writing, but the way I see it, maybe my massive embarrassment/confusion will help somebody else. Somebody else who is struggling.

So, after totally berating a friend of mine (I do have to add this is a MALE friend) about six months back for watching and enjoying 17 Again, I found myself sitting on the couch this last Sunday, flipping through HBO and there it was. My husband was deeply entrenched in World of Warcraft, so I was like, hey, why not? I never get to watch chick flicks (okay, I never get to watch anything besides Sci Fi or Action - blurgh).

I settled in and after a while, I realized I was entranced. And not with the fine filmmaking (even though admittedly, it was pretty funny).

No, I was entranced with the FINE boy.

Are you kidding me? Is he real? I realize I am about five years behind here, but I never had the misfortune to watch any of that High School Musical tomfoolery, so this is my first Efron experience.

It kind of hurts my eyes to look at him, he is so perfect. I can even get past his painfully tousled hair. And the fact that I'm pretty sure he's wearing makeup.

He's that strange kind of good looking where he's almost TOO pretty. Like Rob Lowe. In the 80's.

I mean, really, Rob Lowe? Your beauty is searing my retinas.

And now that I think about it, he bears a striking resemblance to Jordan Catalano Jared Leto. Oh my goodness, how I swooned while I watched My So Called Life. I really GOT how Angela kept going after him, no matter how douchey he was. I mean, HELLO?

Okay, so clearly, I have a type. Which is prettier than me. Dark hair, brooding eyes. I was told, back in the day, my husband strongly resembled Freddie Prize, Jr. By my mother.

How does my mom know who Freddie Prinze, Jr. is? That is something to ponder. Or maybe not.

The Skinny

From time to time, I'm pretty sure I made some comments about skinny jeans and how I'd never wear them. You see, I try to live by this motto:

If it's already been in style once in your lifetime, you're too old to wear it again.

So you'd probably be surprised that yesterday I got a package in the mail from J Crew with a pair of gray matchstick cords. And they fit. No spillage over the top. This may be some kind of miracle.

I wore them in public today. With motorcycle boots. And my big sunglasses. That's how I roll. If I'm wearing something that I'm unsure of, I rock the glasses. To hide the fear in my eyes.

Also: I purchased skinny jeans about a month ago, and they've been seeing regular rotation in my wardrobe. Unbelievably, they are comfortable. And, most of the time, skinny jeans are NOT low rise. Which I'm SO over. Nobody needs to see my crack when I bend over - which is all the time, wrangling the toddler.

To wear said skinny pants/jeans, there are a few rules, for me at least:

1) Under no circumstances shall scrunched down socks or puffy Reebok Freestyles enter the equation.

No.

(True story, my cheer leading coach in high school had a pair of these babies to match every outfit. However, she was totally allowed because she was in a Paula Abdul music video - I think. And she taught us some sweet 80's moves. I can totally kick ball change like Pat Benetar in Love is a Battlefield.)

2) The correct size must be purchased. Trying to squeeze into too skinny skinny jeans is absolutely not a good idea. Unless you want your uterus in a vice.

3) I always wear my skinny bottoms with long tops. At least past the hips. On that note, if anybody ever catches me in a half shirt, have me committed because I've gone insane.

I still have not succumbed to acid wash. And I saw a photo of HAREM PANTS the other day and yeah, I can pretty much guarantee I'm not going there. I'm just not that cool. Um, I was NEVER that cool.

And they better not bring back the Hypercolor. Because I'm a heavy sweater and nothing is more uncool than drawing attention to the fact that you are sweating like a hooker in church.

Share the Happy!

Aw, shucks! My darling Lissa over at Whooo's That Girl tagged me with this sweet award! And, she doesn't know it (till now) but I owe her big time, cause it gave me something to write about today. Muah!

So, here are the instructions:

1. Copy the image and display it on your blog.
2. List 10 things that make you happy.
3. Try to do at least one of them today.
4. Pass on the award to 10 bloggers who brighten your day.

What makes ME happy?

Coffee. I know it's probably a caffeine addiction, but I can't sub soda or tea for my beloved coffee. So maybe it really IS the way it tastes. The way it smells. How my temperamental coffee pot grumbles to life as it brews that sweet, sweet nectar...

Farmers Markets. Probably because they coincide with spring and summertime. And the best part of autumn. All the colors and smells. Getting to eat produce that's actually local and in season, rather than imported from places I'll probably never even go in my lifetime (not that I wouldn't go to Chile, but I'm not sure the opportunity will ever present itself).

Footie Jammies. ON CHILDREN ONLY (don't get me started on the creepiness of adults in footie jammies. And if you wear them, sorry. But it's creepy! More so on guys. Ok, rant over). There is nothing more snuggly than a baby or small child in footie jammies.

Soup. There is something super comforting about having a huge pot of soup simmering on the stove top. I love making a ton so I always have soup in the freezer. It's a go-to meal for me. When I feel like I've overindulged throughout the day, when I'm chilly, when I'm down in the dumps. Soup is healing. I'm convinced.

Little Kid Voices. I love listening to my son talk to himself in his crib, sing songs read himself books, or say 'Watchu doin', Mommy?' I'm relishing it now, before it turns into marathon whining. He's so sing-songy right now. Love it.

Reading in the Bath. Two of my favorite things, combined. Especially after a hard run. Hot bath, lavendar essential oil, tea or water and a good book or magazine. I find it's the only time I really read - if I'm in bed, I'm either passed out or watching Roseanne reruns (Nick at Night, holla!) and if I'm in the living room I'm on the computer or reading No No Yes Yes to my son for the 500th time.

Extreme weather. Okay, not weather that puts anyone in danger...but if it snows, I want it to be DEEP and stick for a while. I want to be stuck at the house. If it rains, I want a torrential downpour. If there's a river to watch flood, count me in...and I'm not dumb enough to actually drive through the water acros the roadway. I just like to watch it. If it's sunny, I want the sky to be perfectly blue and the temperature to be over 80. I want to complain about how hot it is then miss that heat when the weather turns gray and nasty. Wind? As long as there aren't any huge trees to fall on my house, bring it on. I don't even mind if the power goes out...we can cook in the fireplace!

Music. Life needs a soundtrack. That is all.

My family and friends. Without them, I'm lost. My husband keeps me grounded, and loves me when I'm not doing a very good job loving myself. My son is truly the light of my life. The rest of my family, my friends...well, I keep them around for a reason! They're amazing.

A clean, organized house. This is aspirational for me, to have both. But, some days, when I manage to pick up all the Hot Wheels and Legos, vacuum, bleach the kitchen and bathroom and wash and fold and put away all the laundry? I love those days. My house is never perfect, or even close to it, but my version of clean works for me.

And now to share the happy - I'm passing this award on to ten bloggers who make ME happy!

• Andrea at The Train to Crazy
• Tiffiny at The Story of My Life
• Ann at She's Gonna Blow!
• Thea at I'm a Drama Mama
• Lisa at Growing Up Mo
• April at Did That Just Happen?
• Allison at Gifts from the Heart
• Jamie at Not Just An Ordinary Girl
• Jenn at Have you Hurd?
• Liz at 30 Days of Fun

Have fun, ladies!

'P' Fix

Yesterday, I noticed the 'p' key on my computer was sticky. As in, I had to mash it down with all my might to type a 'p'. Eventually, I avoided words containing 'p'. Logical, no?

Last night I was leading the Tworkout (twitter workout, cleverness!) for the Sisterhood during the Biggest Loser and the 'p' issue was coming to a head. It's probably not advisable to bang a key with your fist, but I was getting to that point.

This morning, I said to myself, 'Self - there has got to be a way to fix this 'p' roblem.' I googled 'how to fix a sticky key.' And a multitude of information poured forth. I chose e-How and within a few seconds, had a strategy. By strategy, I mean I popped the key off with my fingernail, blew the disgusting detritus that had built up away, and popped the key back on.

Yeah, I'm pretty handy like that.

I love the Internet. You can find a fix to ANYTHING.

Like a few months ago, I came home from shopping and realized the store had forgotten to remove the security tag from something I'd bought. GAH. Usually, not a huge issue, but it was something I'd purchased specifically for a trip, and we were leaving the next morning. I didn't have the time to go back to the store for proper removal.

Enter Internet. Within minutes, I'd found a YouTube video demonstrating how to remove security tags using two sets of pliers. No damage to the clothes. Awesome. And probably made for and totally intended for use by juvenile delinquents.

Whatever. It worked.

And the best one Internet fix yet? Homemade salve for dog ear infections (our golden retreiver has chronic ear infections - we've spent probably a grand at the vet - and the vet has yet to come up with a better solution). One tube monistat, one tube polysporin, and one tube cortaid. My cousin actually told me about this one, and I'm about to mix some up and try it - I'm at my wit's end with the vet bills and infection. Poor dog!

See? The internet's for more than blogging and playing Bejeweled...

Feats of Strength and Endurance

If you have a toddler or have ever cared for a toddler - or even just observed a toddler - you know they are crazy unending founts of energy. As a mother of a 'busy' child, I more than fully understand the phrase 'run ragged'.

A while back I was chasing my monkey around and was thinking there should be some kind of official competition for moms. Especially since it seems that every playgroup/family gathering/et cetera has some mom who seems to completely have her poop together.

I want to see HER under pressure.

I want to put a bunch of moms in a competition and make them actually PROVE their parenting prowess.

This matching of wits and wrangling shall be called - wait for it - the Mamalympics.

Some potential events?

- Getting toys out of packaging. There is a special place in hell for whoever is responsible for twisting for all five hundred of those little ties in those Little People sets. Necessary? Really? As my cousin's wife called said, it must be a prison job.

- Carrying a diaper bag, all the groceries and a child all at once. Whoever can get everything from the car to the house in one trip wins.

- Eating dinner while simultaneously doing ninja hands to protect your food. No distracting child with a sticker book or a favorite tv show. The evening news must be on the television.

- Diaper change for speed and accuracy. Children will be fed a fiber heavy diet prior to this event. A pee pee only diaper is an instant disqualification.

- Cleaning the entire house during nap time. Two hours to clean as much as you can, laundry, prep dinner, crochet. Or, you can sit on your computer like I do.

What would your event be in the Mamalympics?

Dear 2009, Good Riddance...

This year has blasted by. And thank goodness. I don't know how much more yucky stuff could have happened this year. Okay, I know it COULD have been worse. I don't even want to THINK about that.

2009 - A Crappy Year in Review.

I was laid off (but actually this is kind of a positive too)

• M.I.L. diagnosed with lung cancer.
• High school friend passed away after fighting breast cancer for five years.
• Drama.
• Brother in law laid off.
• Did I mention drama?
  

But, in retrospect, many great things happened this year.

So, as this year (DECADE?!) draws to a close, I'd like to focus on the happy things. Because I anticipate many more happy things in 2010.

My Top Ten Good Things of 2009.

1) My husband. He teases me mercilessly. He stays thin even when he eats, seriously, like the worst, crappiest food in the universe. He makes me watch the Science Channel and MMA. He is physically incapable of putting the laundry in the laundry basket. And I'm still crazy about him. He is an amazing man, and after this year, I am truly amazed that he turned out like he did. He is a testament to the apple falling VERY FAR from the tree.

2) Babies! So many of my girlfriends welcomed little ones this year. A few surprises, many meticulously planned out, all delicious and wonderful!

3) B got a great promotion. He is finally getting recognized for the GENIUS he is - not even sarcastic - he is truly one of the most intelligent people I know.

4) The Sisterhood. What can I say. I love those hookers (and Brian, our, um, pimp). I can't begin to tell you what a huge difference these peeps have made in my life. I can't wait for our new challenge to begin (go check it out!) and for all our crazy adventures this year - including a 1/2 marathon. I AM RUNNING A HALF MARY IN 2010!

5) Kauai. Never has a vacation been more needed. That is all.

6) Reconnecting with B's Dad, Stepmom and Half Sister. The more I get to know them, the more I know what my life was missing. I'm so thankful for them!

7) The Whole Fam Damily. Even though some of them did hurtful things, I must step back and realize that they are human and not as perfect as I. Oh, I kid. Overall, I love my family and my husband's family very much. Some of them don't make the best decisions, but at least they are entertaining.

8) Old friends (you know who you are). I've had a lot of the same girlfriends since junior high (some even earlier - and I've picked up some more along the way). There's a reason they're still in my life. No, not because you have some horrible photographic blackmail material (hello, grunge years), but because you are all amazing women. I have a fabulous collection of girlfriends. Love.

9) Running. I love it, I hate it. But nothing peels off the pounds and keeps me out of therapy/off meds like good old pounding the pavement. Who knew?

10) My G-Rex. Is it sad that my 2 year old is my best bud in the world? I don't think so! He is just amazing. I can't remember (and don't want to) what life was like before him. How can you be in a sour mood when a toddler runs up, grabs your cheeks and kisses you. Impossible!

So, when I think about 2009, there was a lot of heartbreak, a lot of um, yes, DRAMA, and a lot of anger.

But, in so many ways, the bitter makes the sweet SO much sweeter.

A Meme Saves the Day

Mendie (who is just the sweetest thing) over at The Little Ladybug That Could tagged me for a fun little meme today. And thank God for her, because I clearly am having the most colossal fit of writer's block EVER. So Mendie, you're my hero tonight!

Without further ado, ten things you probably don't know about me.

1) I hate cotton balls. They make my skin crawl. Even worse? That cotton they stuff in your mouth at the dentist...is that necessary? REALLY?

2) I absolutely, positively cannot whistle. Many have taken it as a personal challenge to teach me, but I am unteachable. I think it is physically impossible.

3) I consider condiments a food group. I have at least 30 residing in the door of my fridge. My current favorite? Hoisin sauce.

4) On the subject of condiments, I have been known to drink pickle and olive juice. Digusting? Possibly. Delicious? HECK YES!

5) All of my animals have human names. Our dogs are Carl and Sadie, and our cats are Boris, Bridget and Violet. Why we have five animals is another issue entirely.

6) My husband suggested our son's name (which I will divulge here this once - George). I agreed, after a while. It grew on me. Many asked if he was named after someone, as it's quite old fashioned. I always thought no, we just picked that name. Well, I found out months after our son's arrival that he IS actually named after someone, per my husband - Ken Griffey, Jr., whose real name is George Kenneth Griffey, Jr. However, I like to pretend he is named after George Clooney.

7) I love MMA and UFC. I know. How embarrassing for me.

8) I would eat McDonald's soft serve every day if I could.

9) I do not find either Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt attractive. And yes, I am heterosexual.

10) I still hold the girls high jump record (5'4") at my high school, according to my mother, who still checks on a regular basis (glory days!).

I would tag some peeps, but my brain hurts and, let's face it, I'm LAZY tonight.

Yeah, I said it. LAZY.

Adventures in Shopping

Today I went to Old Navy. I figured it was safe, because school is back in.

I had a mission. Skinny jeans. IKNOWSHUTUP. But there is a purpose behind them. I needed something to go with my super sweet Def Leppard t-shirt that I am wearing to THE DEF LEPPARD/POISON concert tomorrow. Woot!

So, I'm in the store, and it's busy. Which is no fun when you're pushing around one of the carts they have that you can strap your kid into.

Which my kid can now unstrap. Lovely.

Things were going downhill fast. G is the worst shopper in the world. It's like he has a concentrated version of the male shopping aversion gene. The whine starts the minute we enter any kind of retail establishment.

I located the jeans pretty easily and started quickly looking around at a few other things.

(By the way, you know you're old when you have to ask the salesgirl if something is a shirt or dress.)

At this point, G unstrapped himself, stood up in the cart and announced at the top of his lungs 'ALL DONE!'

I scurried back to the dressing room, tried on the jeans (ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE SO TIGHT?), fought with G over opening the dressing room door and finally decided they'd do and quickly dressed.

The line at the checkout, of course, was a mile long. G would not sit in the cart, so I was holding him and letting him empty the contents of my wallet. That soon was not entertaining enough, so he turned into a limp noodle and I set him down and attempted to hold his hand. Then came the jello legs.

Seriously, isn't 20 months a little young for this?

After an eternity, there was an available checker. I'm holding onto my child with one hand, throwing things onto the counter with the other, and trying to answer all her questions.

I handed her my card, and she asks 'Do you want to open an Old Navy Card today?'

Bless her - how cute. She really thought I'd spend an extra 10 minutes at the check stand with my child reenacting scenes as Damien from the Omen.

'No thanks. I think I'd better get out of here before he gets REALLY mad.'

At that comment, she looked frightened, and bagged me up - stat.

So, mission accomplished, but I sure do miss the days of leisurely shopping and trying things on. These days, it's rare for me to actually go to a store, I normally shop online. For obvious reasons.

But, there is a silver lining to this tale of woe. When I got home, I tried on the jeans and ... wait for it...

THERE ARE ZIPPERS ON THE ANKLES.

Shooting the Random

This week's challenge over at I Should Be Folding Laundry is photographer's choice.

I chose to not find my camera for about five days. I found it this morning in the nether reaches of the diaper bag. But, nonetheless, I think I got a few choice shots...

The road where you DON'T want to live. I saw this driving home tonight, did an illegal u-turn and parked on the side of the side of the road for this shot. The things I do for art! (I also enjoy the fact that there is a school located on this road. NICE.) *

The child is behind bars for artistic purposes only. We were playing peek-a-boo with the dog (note teeth and whiskers in the periphery).


Beautifully depressing. Bye-bye, Summer!


For more photographer's choice, visit Beth over at I Should Be Folding Laundry.

* I actually have a friend who lives on Fail Road, and she and her family are definitely NOT failures. Just sayin'.

Compensating

I need to preface the following photo with these facts:

1) This was taken down the street from my house. We do not live in the mountains. We do not even live in the country. We live in the 'burbs.

2) There is no chance we're going to get caught in any kind of flash flood - we're on a hill.

3) The one time I saw this vehicle actually driving, it was struggling to make it up said hill. And it was blasting some sweet gangsta rap (and I had it all pegged for some good ol' Toby Keith).

Behold.



Textbook definition of compensating for lack in 'other' areas. Ya dig?

The end.

Classy, Defined...

B came home from Chicago late last night, and we were going through all the amazing photos he took as he regaled me with stories from his trip.

Of course, all I really wanted to hear about was the food.

The last night they were there, he said, they went to a 'really fancy restaurant'.

I asked him if he ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, because when he was actually in Long Island a few weeks back, he'd had plenty.

Yes, my husband is THAT guy. The one who orders Long Islands IN Long Island. He also said the servers did not make fun of him for ordering the Long Island in Long Island. Clearly, he has never worked in the restaurant industry. We used to make fun of people for trying to be fancy and ordering the pink wine.

After I asked about the Long Islands, the following conversation ensued:

Me: So, did you order a Long Island?

B: No, this place was way too classy to serve Long Islands.

Me: So what did you have?

B: A Sex on the Beach.

I laughed for like ten minutes straight. Because I never in a million years thought I'd hear the words 'classy' and 'sex on the beach' in the same sentence.

You Know That Old Camera?

I had to pull out my older than dirt camera (well, for an electronic, its old) a few days ago. I took a bunch of shots, and then plugged it in to my computer.

And there were photos from three years ago that I'd totally forgotten about. It's kind of like back in the day when we used film? And found an old roll?

Like a little time capsule, a present.

Unfortunately, it looks like my camera was dropping acid back in 2006. For instance, I can't even begin to figure out what this is:


If you squint for this next one, you can see our dog, Carl, and out cat, Violet, who is actually sitting with me. She did this for the first week after she came to live with us, and hasn't let us touch her since. Except when she was in heat, and that was just gross. GROSS. There is nothing more annoying/disgusting than a cat in heat. And yes, Bob Barker, she is now fixed. The end.



This one is from my high school reunion. All these children are now in high school I think (okay, maybe grade school). Too bad you can hardly tell they have faces...


But then, lo and behold. The one photo that turned out. It is pristine. Do you know who this is?


Yes, it is Mr. Horror himself, Stephen King. And someone who is giving me the stink eye for taking a photo in the background. Awesome.

He did a book signing at my former employer. They used to have stuff like this all the time. During work hours. Back in the glory days.

Not excessive or a distraction or anything...and they were surprised when they had to lay off half the company?

Ahem. Memories...

Wiped

B has been in Chicago since Sunday morning, and I am wiped out. He's gone till Thursday night, or maybe even early, early Friday morning, depending on flight delays. Last time he was out of town, I jam packed our days with visits and outings. This time, I thought we'd just lay low at home.

I think being as busy as possible was better. Because it makes the time go faster. And breaks up the monotony of meal, play, read, meal, play, nap, snack, play, TV, meal, play, bath, read, bed. It's like Groundhog day around here.

Tomorrow, we're going somewhere. Anywhere. Well, not anywhere - somewhere G approved so I don't have a repeat of the grocery store incident the other day. The one where he chucked his toy car at some unamused lady's head. Oops.

On a positive note, I have been super busy with that cool thing I can tell you about tomorrow. Almost there!

So, I've made myself a cup of tea, and I'm going to watch St. Elmo's Fire. Okay, realistically watch it for ten minutes before I pass out on the couch.

Titillating, I know.

Daily

I have to admit, I'm addicted.

When I can't do it every single day, I feel like I'm slipping, unproductive, losing any edge I may have gained.

I lie in bed and think about it. I think about it when I'm driving.

You're probably thinking I'm talking about food. And if you think that, you're probably right. Or you're thinking something else.

Pull yourself on up out of the gutter, like, NOW.

I'm talking about blogging. Even if I have nothing interesting to say (which is pretty much ALWAYS), I am compelled to the glowing screen.

Write something, it beckons. Anything.

Sometimes it tells me to write about something funny. Like poop. Cause admit it, poop is always funny. Just say it aloud - you'll laugh. I promise. All together now... POOP.

Very rarely, I'll write about something socially conscious or serious. Did I say rarely? It takes quite a lot to get me fired up enough to write about something truly controversial.

Do I have opinions? Um, that's a resounding yes. But I'm still a little shy and don't want to be yelled at over my blog. I'll save that for later. So I pretty much complain about things that won't offend. Too much.

Some days I want to blog about people in my life...in a not very positive way. I'm not talking about my husband - I don't feel like I want to air our marriage out in public. But others, yes...and most of them - well, I'm pretty sure they don't read this. If they can even read, period. But I don't feel like taking that chance.

Will I outgrow this compulsion to write and push a button, propelling my verbal vomit out into the bloggy universe? Maybe,

But right now, I'm kind of obsessed.

If I could only get this passionate about exercise.

Bits n' Pieces

First off, the local news, they weren't lying. I took this photo yesterday at about noon in the Costco parking lot.


And I took this as we were entering Costco...let the hoarding begin!

The best part (insert sarcasm here)? I went on Craigslist and people were selling fans at double retail price. It's so heartwarming. I guess they can just deal with their bad karma later. Like when they need chains next time it snows, I hope there are NONE LEFT.

Ahem.

Clearly I'm a little hot and testy.

Let's talk about some nice stuff, shall we? Stuff I'm liking.

IT'S BULLET POINT TIME!

- Out and About With Kids in Seattle. I picked this up yesterday and already have a huge list of thing to do and places to visit. Concisely written, with great parent tips. I think there is one for Portland, Oregon as well.

- California Baby Bubble Bath. I claim to buy this for the kiddo (and he does use it), but I love it for me too! We are using Light & Happy (citrus and aloe) right now, but I also adore I Love You (ylang ylang, lavender and sweet orange) and Overtired & Cranky (citrus and chamomile).

- Fresh Tomatoes and Blueberries. No links here. Just YUM. Okay, one link. These Blueberry Sweet Rolls with Vanilla Glaze from Food Blogga. Are you kidding me? Heavenly.

- Jenny's Grilled Cheese. My friend Jenny entered this recipe into a Sunset Magazine contest and won! She is one of the best cooks I know, and this sandwich looks amazing. Onion marmalade? Drool.

- H Mart. The most fun I've had shopping for groceries since I discovered Trader Joe's. Beautiful everyday and exotic produce, impeccably displayed. Every Asian ingredient imaginable. Did I mention it was cheap? Yeah, there's that too. I walked out with three huge bags of produce for under $20.

- The Container Store. The Type A Mecca. I would buy everything in the store if I could. But, for now, I'm concentrating on my pantry. I found these great storage containers, which are a fraction of the price of my Tupperware. I love Tupperware, but could it cost more? The answer is NO.

- When You Are Engulfed in Flames. Few authors make me laugh out loud like David Sedaris. I'm a big fan of the personal essay, and he is the master. This is his latest, though it came out last summer. The paperback edition just came out this June...so that's why I just bought it. Yeah, I'm cheap...ahem...frugal.

- The Essential Michael Jackson. Like many, I got kind of nostalgic for MJ upon learning of his death. Then I couldn't find any of my old albums. Luckily, this collection has absolutely everything, starting with Jackson 5.

- Tacky Weddings blog. Dear Lord. That is all.

What are you groovin' on?

The H Is O

Please excuse my dorky SNL references. And the redundancy.

But dude...THE HEAT IS ON.


And I want to thank the local news station for clarifying that 101 degrees is VERY HOT. I wasn't too sure.

Today we are going to be squatting either at the mall or the grocery store. Oh! Or at Costco, in their big walk in fridge. Perhaps we'll buy another fan and maybe some popsicles if they haven't all sold out. That's what happens around here. Any major weather event and you'd think it's Armageddon.

I bet the ice cream truck is making a KILLING this week.