I may have sort of had an epiphany last night. Truthfully, it went more like this: my husband kind of forced me into one. In a good way, I suppose. There were a lot of things said that were difficult to hear, but I NEEDED TO LISTEN.
I've been struggling these last few months with people in my life doing things that I perceive as wrong. Or stupid. Or downright reprehensible. All these feelings have burrowed deep and started rotting my insides. I am turning into something I never wanted to be - a truly angry, bitter person. Someone who is skeptical and mistrusts even good intentions.
I am turning into the people I have been trying desperately to help, who in turn have continued with their utterly selfish lives. I have literally spoonfed them solutions. Made contacts with social workers who can help them. Tried to offer sensible advice to some of the most irrational humans with whom I've ever had contact.
Truthfully? The way I feel? It terrifies me. I have never been an upbeat person, per se, but what I feel myself becoming? Not good. This feeling of ugliness has been tugging at me for at least a month. What I've been exposed to? Some of the stories I've heard? All of the hatefulness? Like a cobweb, it sticks to you and is disgusting. You flail around and can't shake it off.
Then you get sucked in. Even if you don't want to get in the middle, there you are. Two months ago, I made a decision with the very best intentions. Last night I was told that I had bit off more than I could chew. That some people, no matter how hard you try, will never change. That I never had a chance. Boy, truer words were never spoken.
Today, I know that all of my care and sacrifice was for naught. I was used. I feel gross. I FEEL ANGRY.
I know the problem. Now to remove it. After this week ends, I have a decision to make. I have to protect myself and my family. I have to mentally purge and try to see good again.
Whatever it takes, I will do it. I know how I do NOT want to be. I can control how I go through life. I choose to put these people and this ugliness behind me.
The band-aid, it's coming off.
8 comments:
It is hard to avoid getting sucked into the void. I hope you take some comfort in the fact that no matter what path you choose and decisions you make, you do have people that care about you and love you and are behind you 100%.
Hooker.
It's such a downward spiral, isn't it. I am proud of you for realizing it and taking charge to change it.
Skank-ho.
yeah, i'm with the other girl, it's so hard to take a step back too and shake it all off. you can only help so much before people help themselves and it's hard, especially if they are family members. anyway, it's good you're taking yourself out of the mix. things like this can be poisonous! you're not that person.
HookerSkank.
I LOVE ALL OF MY HOOKERS. AND PIMP. Muah.
Man, I could use a good epiphany, too. Maybe I shouldn't have quit stroller strides and I could have gotten your secret out of you?
good luck while you purge out the unhealthy and bring in the good. You have to focus on you and your family...people need to want to help themselves no matter how easy you try to make it.
Hugs friend...it will get easier to breathe!
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm doing in life...really doing. And all the catering I do for others isn't as fulfilling as I had thought. Getting down to what I value, what each of us value and sticking to those things is the only way I think we can make this short time count for something...and still be able to smile at the end of the day.
~You gave it your best shot and I think that's what you needed to do to live you to what you value. B's right. Be strong!
It sucks to watch people make bad decisions. It sucks when their bad decisions effect innocent people. You do what you can and then you have to step back and protect yourself and your loved ones from their bad decisions. Hang in there. I know life is downright exhausting right now.
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