9.02.2009

Here It Is.

I'm just going to write about this because it is driving me crazy. I have writer's block because I want to write about this SO BADLY but have been holding back.

So last Monday, a family member on my husband's side was diagnosed with lung cancer. We don't know what stage she is in at this point - still waiting on test results. We're hoping for the best. What else can we do?

But that's my problem. I have a terrible time NOT DOING ANYTHING. It makes me absolutely mental. My coping mechanism is to go into hyper drive.

And I can't.

We need her to be in a healthy, relaxing environment. And I can't make her leave the unhealthy place where she is living.

We need her to take time to take care of herself and not worry about everyone else. And I can't make her do that.

We need the insurance company to approve her PET scan so we can know exactly what we're dealing with. And I can't make them hurry.

We need the 'well meaning' people who are creating unnecessary drama to be still. And I can't tell them to shut the hell up (but I have been close).

We need the people in her life that take take take from her, that suck every last bit of energy out of her to stop being selfish and grow up. But how do you make someone be self-sufficient who has never had to be responsible a day in their life?

Is it possible?

I just ache for those who love her. I love her. I want to be strong and pick her up and make her safe.

I want to help her heal.

I want to make her happy and feel joy and live her life to the fullest.

I want the cancer to disappear.

I want our normal problems back. The ones I can fix.

4 comments:

Melissa said...

It is so hard for fixers like us when things like this happen. We just want to make it all better and it is so frustrating when you can't get your way or do what you know is best. Just continue to show your love and support, and she will feel it. She is lucky to have you in her life. And continue to take good care of yourself! You deserve it. :)

Mendie said...

So sorry to hear about the diagnosis. My aunt was diagnosed with a rare brain cancer 2.5 years ago and it has been tough to watch her be unable to help herself and stop providing for others.

Send your energy to her and I'm sure you will be able to see the relief in her face when you see her, knowing that the tables are flipped and you want to take care of her.

Hugs

april said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is.

As far as the PET scan, if you have any problems getting it approved, let me know. I'll see if I can help!

Christy - The Sisterhood said...

Oh no :( I'm so sorry. And I know how what it's like to feel so helpless. You can see everything SO clearly, so why can't everyone else? Just keep loving and hoping and things will get moving and get better.

Hugs, girl. Big ones.