Letter to My 20 Year Old Self

Dear Heather,
This is Heather speaking. Boy, do we need to talk. Seriously girlfriend. Listen and listen good.
First of all, you still haven't figured out what Michael Jackson is singing in P.Y.T. It still sounds like 'I wanna, I wanna Pea-nut.'
On to more pressing issues (but not much more). You have issues with guys. I have no idea what your deal is. Get some self esteem. No, really. That guy who broke up with you last year? Yeah, the one you thought you were going to marry? Get over it. If you married him you would surely be divorced by now. Let it go. Sitting in the tub for hours while the water has gone cold and listening to Sarah McLaughlin is not healthy. He's not losing any sleep over you - and he's going to mess around with one of your good friends in about a year. By the way, you've already met your future husband. Maybe you should pay a little more attention to him!
That football player you're going to meet at the Funky Planet up in Canada? Lose his number. I'm not kidding. He's bad news and in the next year you will learn that he already has a girlfriend, and is also messing around with at least six other girls. You'll consider starting a support group.
While we're on the subject, you know that 33 year old you're dating? Stop it. It's creepy. What kind of 33 year old wants to date a 20 year old? One that's having an early mid-life crisis, that's who! Yeah, it's SO romantic now, but in two years he'll have stalked you not only in Bellingham, but all the way across the pond in the UK, then back to Seattle. Plus he'll be broke as a joke and getting you to pay for stuff. This is not a good situation. Cut your losses and run.
Speaking of cutting your losses - an English degree...really? You've just declared. It's not too late - get a degree people won't laugh at. You're not going to be a brilliant published author. And you're going to pass on the teaching degree in a few years. Why not pick a sensible major now? Like business or pre-law. Boring, yes, but you'll thank me in ten years.
Oh, and you're still credit card free. Stay that way! Or get one and don't use it. I know that it's tempting and you really want that new Express wardrobe, but don't go down that road. Educate yourself on credit and finance!
What else? Oh yes, you know how you hate your body? Listen, enjoy it now because it's not getting any better from here on out. Especially since you'll be drinking like a fiend in England and will put on at least 20 pounds. And while we're on the subject of alcohol, take heed: Gatorade is not a good mixer for vodka, never drink anything that has 151 as an ingredient, whiskey makes you angry and aggressive and on your 21st birthday - don't let your co-workers feed you 8 shots of tequila in one hour. Your mom will thank you for not having to peel you off the bathroom floor at your birthday dinner.
Let's just say you're going to make a quite a few mistakes in the next few years. But, you'll survive. Sometimes it feels like the end of the world but take comfort - things get better and age gives you lots of perspective.
Love,
Me xoxo
P.S. Don't ever get dogs. They are evil and eat all your sugar cookies.