8.14.2010

Unease

Sometimes, when I'm really nervous, or dreading something, I get this strange sensation where my legs start to feel numb and my heart races.

It also happens when I realize I may have just cheated death/injury/witnessing something horrible/getting a ticket. Like when you're driving and someone starts aggressively coming into your lane...and then notices you and jerks back over? Or when brakes squeal and you see a couple of cars just miss nailing each other at a red light. And just once and a while, when I am exceeding the speed limit and I pass a cop and just wait for them to pull out after me (the only time it's okay for a cop to follow you is if they're on a motorcycle and look like Ponch).

So I've never been able to put a label on what exactly it is I'm feeling. I could say maybe it's relief, but it never feels GOOD. Just weird.

Lately, I've been getting that feeling when I have to visit with certain people. As I near wherever we are meeting up, a really dark feeling descends over me. And then I get the numb legs and the pit in my stomach and the angry thoughts creeping into my head.

I brace for whatever I'm going to have to deal with.

What is this? I was thinking fight or flight. But it's like anticipatory fight or flight. Like I know I'm going to be offended, pissed off and sad. Before it even happens.

And it usually happens.

I think there is a lot to be said for intuition. I think that maybe I'm sensing something is VERY wrong. Never in my life have I had such morbid thoughts creep into my head.

It's disturbing. I question whether the universe is trying to tell me something. Very frankly, I don't think my mind would be going the places is has been without a reason.

Time will tell. I hope I am wrong, and maybe, after a while, I can get rid of this uneasiness.

4 comments:

Kirsten said...

That feeling totally sucks. And yes, your gut is probably right. ((hugs)) that either the feeling dissipates or that you don't have to make that visit very often.

april said...

I hate that feeling. I'm sorry you're so uneasy right now. :(

~Mendie~ said...

I am a believer in intuition, but i hope that maybe its just tilted a little and it brings nothing unhappy to your life.

hugs friend!

Audrey said...

I know that feeling. I hate that feeling. And I'm so sorry you're dealing with it right now. Hugs, hooker.