This Post is Not About the Duggars. Really.

Since I've obviously hit some kind of rut and have nothing interesting or funny to write about, I'm in the process of a blog redesign. Because I'm pretty sure if my blog looks cooler/cuter I will miraculously be inspired and the words will pour forth and I'll have the popularity of Dooce.

Or not.

But I am redesigning - with help, of course, cause I'm technologically worthless. I'm okay with that. I'm just glad I have friends that have got my back on that front. It's give and take; I keep them honest about punctuation and grammar. It's all good.

If I had to focus in on my 'writer's block' (I seriously hate that term) and figure out what the root cause is, I'd have to say...well...um...

How about this: if I knew, I'd effing fix it? Right?

Some days I have a lot to say, but I have to self censor. Cause honestly, if I wrote everything I thought, you all would think I was crazy. Funny, possibly, but probably crazy and most likely mean and snarky.

I've thought about just letting loose and seeing if I start getting hate mail. I posted ONE TIME, long ago about the Duggars, and got quite a bit of negative feedback. Which was the most bizarre thing - Duggar supporters literally materialized out of nowhere and commented on my blog. Which leads me to believe there is a Duggar army that sits on Google all day long searching for anything Duggar related (which I completely understand, they are kind of fascinating).

I bet I'll get a bunch of Duggar hits just from this post. Watch.

Anyway. I'm trying to figure out my image.

Bear with me.

Right Now

For the first time in a long time, I'm content and peaceful.

My mom is home from Alaska (she's been up there for 7 weeks) - I have a feeling that was the first piece of the puzzle. She lives an hour and a half away, but its nice to know she's THERE, you know? Plus, she has the patience of a saint with my child, who has decided to be Whiney McWhinerson as of late.

He's still cute though. I'll keep him, I think.

So my mommy is home.

My husband and I are getting along really great. Like, actually having fun together. Not that we don't generally get along, but you know, life is stressful.

I've gotten to spend some time with old friends. Ones that have known me since I was in grade school. Something about reconnecting with people that have seen all phases of your life is so soothing.

Especially if they like to laugh.

Summer is winding down. I'm sad it's coming to a close. Not that it's been the best summer...the weather has been less than ideal and I've struggled with so many ups and downs.

But like everything in life, seasons change and we start fresh.

My mother-in-law has finally been placed in her final resting place. It was excruciating for all of us to revisit that grief, but we know now she's where she wanted to be...and that is comforting. Now I hope the healing can finally begin.

The rest of this summer? I plan to soak in as much fun as possible.

Starting now.

Unease

Sometimes, when I'm really nervous, or dreading something, I get this strange sensation where my legs start to feel numb and my heart races.

It also happens when I realize I may have just cheated death/injury/witnessing something horrible/getting a ticket. Like when you're driving and someone starts aggressively coming into your lane...and then notices you and jerks back over? Or when brakes squeal and you see a couple of cars just miss nailing each other at a red light. And just once and a while, when I am exceeding the speed limit and I pass a cop and just wait for them to pull out after me (the only time it's okay for a cop to follow you is if they're on a motorcycle and look like Ponch).

So I've never been able to put a label on what exactly it is I'm feeling. I could say maybe it's relief, but it never feels GOOD. Just weird.

Lately, I've been getting that feeling when I have to visit with certain people. As I near wherever we are meeting up, a really dark feeling descends over me. And then I get the numb legs and the pit in my stomach and the angry thoughts creeping into my head.

I brace for whatever I'm going to have to deal with.

What is this? I was thinking fight or flight. But it's like anticipatory fight or flight. Like I know I'm going to be offended, pissed off and sad. Before it even happens.

And it usually happens.

I think there is a lot to be said for intuition. I think that maybe I'm sensing something is VERY wrong. Never in my life have I had such morbid thoughts creep into my head.

It's disturbing. I question whether the universe is trying to tell me something. Very frankly, I don't think my mind would be going the places is has been without a reason.

Time will tell. I hope I am wrong, and maybe, after a while, I can get rid of this uneasiness.

Pat, I'd like a F for $1000.

This is probably not what my mom intended when she sent these magnets to my son.


But it pretty much sums up my week. Hoping it gets better.

Summer Here

Summer here?

It's messy, muddy, grimy. It's all boy.


Our summer is in our backyard. We spend a lot of time back there. It's not perfect. It would make Martha Stewart curl into a ball and cry 'Hold me!' Toys everywhere. Some broken. A pool my child won't go in. Grass that is in need of a mow. Half eaten dog toys.

Yeah, it's not exactly classy.


But you know what else it has? Memories. And I kind of love that. Dirt and all.

For more summer, breeze on over to I Should Be Folding Laundry for You Capture.

Nap Please

Have I mentioned that I am tired today? The kind of tired that I feel as if my eyelashes have tiny weights tied on them with tiny little strings. Serious, narcolepsy type tired. So tired I scared myself driving to and from the post office.

And? My toddler is on day four of NO NAP AT ALL. Which I hesitate to admit, but is probably a sign of the extinction of the daytime nap.

!*@*)#^&*%.

He's faked me out a couple of times in the past, but the last few days have been different. As in, I put him in his room and all he does is remove every toy from its basket, every book from the shelf and every article of clothing from the drawers. All while screaming at the top of his lungs.

Things aren't looking too promising.

I tried to get him lie on the couch with me for a rest, but all that accomplished was me being half awake, feeling even more groggy and him hitting me with books he wanted read.

Right now, he's alternately watching Yo Gabba Gabba and trying to hijack my keyboard.

I still need to work out today, clean and make meals.

Time to brew some coffee and pray for an early bedtime...for him and for me!