2.05.2011

Blame The Social Network

This is one of those posts where I have a million things going through my head but can't settle on one to write about.

My brain won't stop. It started about an hour ago, this unsettled feeling. I don't know why. What happened. Today was a really good day. Only a few meltdowns (from toddler), a birthday party for one of my dearest friend's son. Overall, laid-back busy. If that makes any sense.

After my son went to bed, my husband and I actually watched a movie together, which is super rare. We picked The Social Network - which was fantastic. (And I'm sure they took a lot of artistic license, but has Mark Zuckerberg been officially diagnosed with Aspergers or what?)

When the movie was over, the husband cut out to play World of Warcraft (I'm not even going to start on this...I'm such a WOW widow) and I got REALLY antsy. As in, it's 11:30 and I really should go to bed, but I need to clean the kitchen and put away laundry and start another load and, and, and...

All the while, I'm having a conversation with myself and it's going something like this:

"Wow, that kid is a billionaire and he's like 26 or something.You will be 33 in May. What have you accomplished.No seriously. What?"

And I'm beating myself up in my head while scrubbing the hell out of the kitchen counter.

Listen, it's not like I feel the need to be a billionaire. Not at all. Even though not having to worry about money would be a welcome change.

It's more the principal of the thing. Let's just say the dreams I had for myself when I was fresh out of college have very much gone by the wayside. So much so, I honestly can't remember what they were.

Yes, part of my plans included having a family. But I've never been one of those people that was like 'all I want in life is to be a mom.' It's just not me. I can't pretend that I'm okay with just dissolving into my family, becoming nonexistent.

I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. I really hate when I get into these funks and start questioning everything. I think about jobs. I think about getting laid off. I think about choosing the wrong college. The wrong major (cause honestly, an English degree without a teaching certificate is really doing me NO good).

Then I tell myself I did one thing right. I picked my husband. That was good. And that wouldn't have happened if I'd gone to another college.

I guess it boils down to the feeling of being purpose-less. Okay, semi-purpose-less (how many hyphens can I fit into one word). I know that my main purpose is being a wife and a mom. And I love that. But then what?

You know, I completely blame The Social Network for tonight's insomnia. Next time I'm totally picking something that will make me feel like a winner.

In fact, I'm putting Joe Dirt on RIGHT NOW.

8 comments:

Joanna said...

Oh my - maybe I should skip seeing the Social Network for a while..LOL

I totally understand where you're coming from on this. I often find myself in the same little funks.. I wish I could give you a magical cure that will bring you right out of it.. but I'm still looking for one, myself.

Don't ever think that you haven't accomplished anything. The dedication and motivation you instill in others is HUGE!! Having children that count on you, are nurtured by you - that is HUGE.

You are awesome... besides, I bet that 26 year old is a real douchebag in real life. ;)

*Lissa* said...

You have completely nailed my feelings down. Last night, I went to a college bball game to watch my daughter perform at halftime and I felt so OLD. So old. And then I question myself and wonder what the hell I am doing.

I have a great husband and great kids, but sometimes I feel like I am just passing time and not really living. If that makes sense?

I would totally punch my husband if he played WOW all the time. ;p Just sayin'.

Mel said...

I've had these exact same thoughts so many times in my life. I would question every thing I've ever done and wonder how my life might be different if I have made a different choice. I'm going to be 47 in a couple of weeks and I know if you would have asked me 25 years ago when I was 22 what my life would be like now, I would have described something dramatically different.

In my past, I would get down on myself about things like the fact I dropped out of college in my senior year to get married, how that marriage subsequently failed, how my career growth was stunted due to the lack of a degree, etc. I came to the realization last year that it was just wasted energy. So, I took action instead. I went back to school to finish my degree. I went after a promotion into management (even though I don't have a degree yet) and I got it! I decided it made more sense to focus my energies on things I *could* change rather than worrying about the past.

My life may not be what I once thought it would, but I also know that all of my life experiences have made me into the person I am today. And you know what? I'm realizing I kind of like that person. :)

Brooke said...

if you could do anything with your life, what would it be? and what's stopping you?

i feel ya on the english major thing!

april said...

That's right! You're OLDER than me! :D

Heather said...

We watched the SN too this weekend and you are not alone. I have been trying to get my resume together to apply for a job at one of the Universities. It is overwhelming to think about work and parenthood. So not sure what I am doing...but I totally had the thought "What am I doing? Besides being a mom?" Then I realize my job is so very important. So I need to just roll with it!

~Mendie~ said...

i have to admit that is one thing that kinda scares me about becoming a mother...will I lose who I am by becoming her everything? It seems like I have slipped away a little and merged into the wife I am and I don't want to lose anymore.

My husband and I were talking the other day and I realized...I don't have a favorite band of all time. Sure I have favorites but none that I would HAVE to buy right away or go see if they came to town, and I want my daughter to be proud and like the person I am.

hugs momma...you'll find it. Maybe that little girl will help you!

Christie O. said...

Dude, I could've written this post word for word. I know *exactly* what you mean. The feeling comes and goes too and when it's here, it's CRAZY and when it's gone I feel peace like I'm in the exact place I'm meant to be in. Oh the ebbs and flows. I was glad to blog about those feelings because I quickly figured out that that's our life -- and that it would be just weird if we didn't feel like that sometimes.

Hope you got some sleep. *hugs*